Coping With Infertility

Kate Presents

From hopeless to motherhood.

My struggle trying to build a family.

How to cope with infertility?

As you may already read, I didn’t take the fact that I am infertile really well. Quite the opposite. I gave up on everything, fell hard into strong depression and I was allowing that it destroys more than just my family dream. I was lucky, I had a husband who didn’t let me fall apart completely.  But that was just the beginning of our extremely challenging journey fighting infertility.

How to start coping?

After my husband managed to get me out of the bed and I start exploring fertility treatments, among other relevant topics, I came across a bunch of blogs, websites and similar forums advising me how to cope with infertility. Truth to be told, I found some really helpful stuff. Also, it hit me how happy I am for being in a marriage where I have the support from my spouse. And then it hit me that many women don’t have that kind of luck.

Furthermore, I found that most of those articles are saying the same. In short, they give you a list of problems and a couple of ways to deal with them. Once more, some of them really helped me out so I urge you to do the research on your own, maybe it will do the same for you.

However, this won’t be the focus in my article on coping with terrifying thing such is infertility.

I mean do you honestly think that women who were diagnosed with infertility really don’t know every single problem they are facing? And that they don’t know that is good to find support, do yoga, meditation and seek medical and professional help, that is good for them to stay away from a situation that is causing them to feel even worse? That they are facing money problems and social pressure?

What I did?

Wherever I looked I was advised to start meditation, yoga or anything similar which will get me to the place where I feel calm and stress-free. Or, it said that physical exercise will get your mind off the biggest problem you are facing. I don’t know, for someone that maybe would be an effective way to cope with infertility but I am the person who generally is not in that kind of stuff and when I’ve tried them out, I didn’t get to the point where I am peaceful and not thinking about my condition.

I went every morning running and because I didn’t have any kind of distraction, I was actually more focused on the fact that I may never become a mother. I felt absolutely hopeless. I tried meditation and yoga. The same thing happened.

That’s not the end of it.

What about family and friends?

I reached out to all my family and friends and I am not blaming them, but the truth is that they were clueless.

I don’t know what the worst scenario was – when we talked about it or when we ignored it. In the first case, I was listening to some phrases which meant nothing to me. So, I felt angry at them for not being able to say something that will actually help me. Also, I felt jealous of my loved friends for being able to have kids. To be completely honest, I even started blaming them because in my mind, they didn’t appreciate as much as they should! They took it for granted the most wonderful thing in the world – parenthood.

How you cope with jealousy and anger towards people you have been spending your whole life and you love them? Well, you don’t! That is why you have one more problem to deal with – guilt!

And when we ignore the infertility subject, I felt pressure to talk and act as nothing is going on. Now I know, that is not normal! It’s even not logical. You can’t behave normally when you are facing a huge problem like infertility!

There is proven research that when you are coping with life-changing situation, the worst thing you can do is to act like nothing is happening. In that case, you are suppressing the real big issue and subconsciously it will find the way to get out on the open and it’s not going to be in a good way if you don’t have any control over it.

Thus, acknowledge your situation and all its weight so you will be in control of it. This is the first step in coping with infertility.

After you acknowledge your problem, the coping process has begun. It is time to act.

If you feel too week to do it on your own like I was, seek help! But I am not going to tell to turn for help from your friends and family or seek professional help. I am not going to even get into the social pressure that you are feeling because the central thing from ever and in every society was and still is the family. It is so part of us that we consider it natural. So, what happened when you face the fact that you can’t have it? You feel unnatural like something is seriously wrong with you. That is not true!

Further, I am not going to tell you what exactly you should do because you are unique, your personality is one of its kind and your social circles are different than the ones other have. 

So, first talk to yourself. Then talk to everyone close to you but keep in mind that if at any moment you get negative feelings and that another side is not understanding enough and you start to feel more hopeless, then cut it. Leave! Cut it immediately. Sounds cruel but you have to do it. Of course, do it in a nice way. Just understand that some people can understand the situation because it is a lot for them. It is a lot for us as well but, unlike them, we have to deal with it. We have to fight infertility. Nevertheless, finding the support is essential for the new step in coping with infertility. So, talked to your family and friends. If that doesn’t do the job, write me and I will help you through this part. Just keep in mind that there is always the solution. You just need to find what works for you!

How to find the solution?

Once you acknowledge being infertile and accept all its consequences, you found some support, you start a search for the solution.

This is my main message for you – I know that there is no problem that could be compared with infertility but when you think about it more carefully, this is the problem and when you have one, you find a solution. Of course, since it’s one of the most difficult problems, the solution will be the same. However, in the end: you have a problem, you find a solution! On the bright side, infertility today is a solvable problem.

That being said, the medical solution depends on your exact condition and cause of infertility. Thus, I strongly advise you that when it comes to handling this part, find a clinic and doctor to whom you have a real connection. The expertise is implied of course. This is the point where the money problem also comes into the picture. I had the same financially challenging situation although I belong to the upper middle class. So, when I first saw how much fertility treatments cost, I thought that this is an impossible mission. But, again, I haven’t given up and I found a clinic which I could afford, and my doctor is not just the expert, but the wonderful person who is now my friend.

At this point, I would like to share with you that maybe at that time, my current friends couldn’t help me out and therefore, I had to distance myself from them while I was on the journey from being hopeless to being a mother, However, on that same journey, I have enriched my social life with new friends, beside existing ones. Bottom of line, there are some good happenings on this path. Honestly, I think that when you bit infertility, because you have been to hell and back to do so, you will appreciate more your family since you are well aware of what it means not to have it. It makes you stronger. It makes you try harder to be the best parent as possible. Ultimately, it makes you happier. I still have those moments where I stare at my family and think about what we had to go through in order to be right now, here, as a family. But, back on the medical solution, I can recommend you a couple of cost-effective fertility clinics. I would be more than happy to help you out so feel free to write me.

While being under treatments…

When we covered medical angle, I want to warn you that on this journey you will put unimaginable emotional investment. You will play all-in strategy with emotions. All that fabulous recipes like yoga, meditation and similar…they all have one thing in common: think about something else!

First, let’s make one thing clear, you are not going to be able to stop thinking about it for good, even for the second. But, because many fertility treatments last for a long time and there are ups and downs on the way to success, you need to find a way not to fall apart, to stay focused. In other words, you need to prepare yourself. So, ask yourself when you were at the age when you didn’t plan the family because “it was not the time” or “we weren’t financially secured enough” or whatever, go back to that time and remember what was the thing you liked to do. Because those are still part of you, just they can’t see the light of the day because you are overwhelmed with everything that coping with infertility brings, and we all know, that is a lot! Find that person, support group and do whatever makes you feel a little relax.  As per me, I always wanted to write so I start writing a book and while I was doing that, I cried a lot in the process of creating my characters and maybe for others I looked even sadder but for me, that was the way to blow some steam and deal with the pressure. Also, that is how I kept my hope since I knew it from the beginning that my book will have a happy ending. Well, the same happened in the reality – I’ve got my happy ending and I am living it!

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